Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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