nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
