Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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