My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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