"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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