my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
