Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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