chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
