if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
