I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
being pregnant is like rehab
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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