she woke up with a sticky ear
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
