Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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