Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
