How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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