My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
