I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
