i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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