If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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