I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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