I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
where are my eyebrows?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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