I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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