Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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