your parents love me but you hate me
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize