I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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