To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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