I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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