I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
