I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
