How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
