Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
