I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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