i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
