I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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