I just made out with a guy for $7.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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