Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
