sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
