Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize