I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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