I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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