just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
