so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
