I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
