Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
People in love make me want to vomit
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Randomize