never play flip cup with pint glasses
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Randomize
