oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
