someone get that fucking seahorse.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
