The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
