I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
