I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
