Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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