i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
