I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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