Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I would fuck him just for his dog
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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