Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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