Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
