I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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