My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
